Recent quietness

I apologise for the recent queitness, following the karate thing, where my black belt dream was shot to shreds, I went on to qualify as an instructor instead, which then lead to more issues in that, while I qualified I only wanted to be an assistant. Not because Im scared of the responsibility, but, because I believe "Sensei" should be a really all knowing individual, not someone who frankly could be a lot better. This caused me much stress, because as it turns out despite the talk of how B&W belted people get this, that and the other.. Only if you run your own class - this wasnt made clear, and while I didnt do it for the freebees or whatever, it was then the fact it was only me who didnt count.. This made me sad and frustrated.

So now I have a class of children who would be a great advert for lack of attention

I also then pretty much the same day lost my temper and came to the end of my tollerance with my husband (hence the blog name change) and locked him out - after checking I could legally do so. I had had enough.. Then, when he didnt come collect stuff in the allotted timescale, I packed stuff only to find out things between us were worse than I thought, I found paper proving his lies had been greater than I had even given him credit for, and that I was deffinately doing the right thing.

Also around this time work gave me notice that they felt I was a useless employee and I had 90 days to prove otherwise.

So, where am I today.

Im about 45 days through the work thing, they are still convinced Im useless, depsite the fact Im trying, and despite the fact that someone else is telling people not to help me..

Karate, I graded the day before I through hubby out, and it was a hard grading too, but, Im actually pushing to grade to my next belt asap, so I can help 2 of my best friends towards their next belt and to do so, I feel I need to be allowed to use the same tools they do. (sweeping, spinning kicks and of course, learn their kata)

Husband? Well, hes not going to contest divorce and hes agreed to be reasonable about the whole splitting of stuff - so, it looks like a blood bath is averted, but, its still a very downward feeling. Even though its what I want, Im kinda a bit at an end..

My choices seem small, Im fed up with job, Im fed up with so much and few things I can choose sound better. Seriously, Id go shelf stacking if I thought I could live from it, just to get away from the crap at work, but its not what Id enjoy, I know, but, I need to do something or somewhere else..

Im sure a number of you (small number that you are) will have found me on facebook.. I tend to do a more daily thing there, but in less detail because well, while this isnt truly "anonymous" its less linkable to me, and sometimes while I want to part with things like this post, I dont really want everyone to know me if they stumbled on it, or like facebook there are friends who I wouldnt want to see some posts..

You arent forgotten.

Weighing up..

This week, I weighed myself and clocked in at 200lbs, some 59 below my peek weight a couple of yeas ago, but more importantly, 20 less than at the beginning of december. My work trousers are a danger now, I have to tie the kinda belt part up else they may make a leap for the floor at a bad time.

This last week has been very emotional for me, issues at work were at an all time annoyance tuesday, and in a way, helped clear my mind more for out of work decisions for which Ive made a very big one, but not "the" big one I probably need to. However, I would rather put off "the" big decision if I can help it as there is a lot of issues with making that decision.

In comes the new year..

OK, I dont do new yeas resolutions, but there are somethings Im determind to try to achieve this year.

1. My job should suck less.
2. Be fitter
3. Improve karate
4. Grade to red belt in karate

PS - > new crochet in progress.. see menu on the left.

So. Its new years eve

I look back upon 2008 and I find mainly disapointments, the few up notes, seemed to be after major down points where to be frank realistically statistically up was an almost dead cert.

I started the year mad at karate, mad at the guy who ran the region, annoyed with my job, I end the year glad to have found the trainer in karate I have, and annoyed with my job. Along the way, my job went through a rapid plummet to the floor, followed by a lift where supposedly it all changed, only to replummet when it turned out that the "new job" and "new manager" actually dont exist, Im stuck with the same rot I never signed up to do, and the man who has spent a lot of time seemingly making my job even more miserable still gets to dictate nearly every moment of my working life.

I didnt get a rise this year because the guy rated me as useless because he had stripped me of all I was good at and given it to others, this year I expect hes going to rate me the same, because Im stuck in a job I dont have the skills for and signed a contract getting me out of - only apparently this contract is basically void..

So, now to look forward to whats to come next year..

Im hoping to gain 1 or 2 (maybe) belts in karate, I want to lose more weight, I want to get on with one of my websites and aim to make a little money from it, I hope, Im not expecting miricles however, but I aim to sell a few crochet patterns before the year is out. I hope to resolve my job issue, but with the current climate that doesnt seem hugely likely.

So far I have a few things to look forward to

1. Seeing sensei again, he always makes me smile
2. Creating Blanket for Dad
3. Creating a blanket for a friend
4. Finding more victims for crochet (blankets, scarfs etc)
5. Grading to red belt sometime..

Things Im not looking forward to:

1. My review at work - for previously stated reasons
2. The struggle to lose weight
3. Sorting out some home based issues

Oh well.
The new year comes wether we want it or not. No new years resolutions for me, but, I am determind to at least look back and see not the same again.

Down down, deeper and down

As you all probably know by now, I can feel very miserable at times, and nearly always it stems from something most people wouldnt even think to consider. These generally are:

1. Feeling Im different to everyone else
2. Seeing Im treated different to others
3. Someone being mad at me and not knowing why

This week, has had plenty of pretty much all 3.

2 - Generally work related issues , stupid things, in so many ways, things like.. A guy dropped some tapes, they jammed the unit, company arguably was at risk because backups failed and I know, if that had been me, Id have been in HR with a written warning.. Im not even sure he got a talking to.. Other things like, everyone in our area, other than me and the tape guy have all worked from home in the last two weeks, but, we cant, I dont think hes asked but I know I cant, and it wasnt even, "I'll think about it" it was "No, and I wont consider it"..

3 - and this will make you laugh.. you probably picture crochet people as sad old grannies in rocking chairs making little doilies.. Well someone out there has basically now been telling 1900 ish people lies about me, and they wont post my replies pointing out its not true, or to defend myself, but even worse, she wrote me an apology and then when I thanked her and said I really didnt think the things of her she thought I had said (yes trying to be vague) and I thought she really was a good person.. she read exactly what I wrote but without the NOT in it.. so she read it as I accused her of stuff and then posted it on to a bunch of people! Even highlighting the bit where I said she hadnt done something she thought I had accused her of.. as proving how horrid I was accusing her doing it and praising her for being a bad person.. which I so havent done.. a bunch of the people in the group then replied with like "You go girl" to her comments, and almost the "reverend" (if you ever saw blazing saddles).. I feel really unhappy that I cant get these others to at least read what I wrote and realise the things shes accused me of, I simply did not say, in fact, for most cases I said the exact opposite !!

the first thing on my list though.. tends to come from the others, that "well it must be me, I must be different" .. when its ok for others to do things, and its not for me, there must be something wrong with me to make it that way..

Problem is, in someways others can help with points 2 and 3 by saying they have the same or saying that its not true etc.. but that inner feeling doesnt go away..

On a flip note..

The crochetting is going well, Im happy with that and thats a good thing to be happy about!

Pedigree Adoptadrive..

The following site (child and work friendly) has an ad on tv running at the moment, it goes something like "I know Im a good dog, I can sit, I can fetch, I can roll over, but what I dont understand is why I ended up here" ..

As someone who has adopteted two dogs who needed a loving home, and would if I could adopt more, but I just dont have the space, and having paid up a fair chunk when I had a pay out on my own car accident I paid up to a local rescue dog place, I actually object to the almost every 20 minute guilt trip they try and put me on..

Please, donate and help the doggies if you dont have those you already have helped doggies of your own area, or have rescue dogs, or just plain cant afford it, but if you're sitting there on your plush pc, with fat internet link, car, and savings and no cares in the world... think of them.. and the fact they dont necessarily have a tomorrow, they have no home, no family they can get in contact with, no one to turn to.

All gone green..

So, after many months of swear, tears and a couple of bits of blood..

I finally got my green belt yesterday, I get the impression the regional guy was not happy to do it, but, kinda didnt have any real reason he could give to stop me. So, finally, my green belt.. RAR! I worked my feet off, I lost blood and feeling in one foot and had extreeme pain in the other.. I sweated like a man in a forge.. it was not a great grading I felt terrible, I was tired, drawn out and there were only 14 of us, not the 100+ that there had been at my last grading, so, I felt rather on show..

My friend who made the orangey/pink and red blanket for? got her blanket today in the post, and is dead happy, which is excellent news..

Its my mothers 61st birthday (assuming shes still alive somewhere)

My Dad phoned he has a new furry friend..



As you can see, shes a big ball of black fluffy fur, shes 11 months old, and called Rosie! Currently weighing in at a monsterous 33kg, so, shes only going to get bigger!!!

A view on life.

Im a member of a number of crochet mailing lists. They work out as roughly similar while some are UK others global, its all pretty much the same, except 1.

There are a couple out there who make crochet hooks, generally rather tubby ones. They market it as very different, eg, like they invented crochet. Which if their marketing is to be believed they make nice hooks and so on. However, this one mailing list, is devoted to these "hooks" .. but the attitude of those people almost follows on from the site.. They believe that while they use a technique thats been around for like 100 years, this couple invented it, and that by using these hooks it will be entirely different, and thats fine.. although it is rather amusing to read.

However, what really stands out is the general attitude of wanting patterns.. To give you an idea of how hard it is not necessarily to make a "graph" try the following.

Go to google
select search on images
type a cartoon character
Look for something that has only a few colours, something such as bloo here..

Now, save it, to your disk, open it in mspaint.. And select the view menu, then zoom, then custom, select 800, then select the view menu again, then zoom and then show grid.

Now, you see some part of bloo with little squares. Each of those squares can be used as a crochet stitch. There, now you have a graph you can use. Congratulations..

So, why is this group full of people who want graphs for things? things that you can find all over the internet, and in fact can find pre done saved with grids and everything graphs..

More to the point, some also then want "row counts" which is that you could from the bottom and (assuming right handed) right to left, the number of each colours.. so it might go

Row 005 (R to L) :{White} x1, {Christmas Green Med} x6, {White} x4, {Orange VY DK} x3, {Christmas Green Med} x7, {White} x1

yes, all you do is count the squares colour by colour...
and they almost get rude and offended if people dont make the graph and row counts for them!!

So.. I finished my last project



Ignore the "work in progress" banner.. but, I did this, I did this without asking anyone to count things for me.. I did ask an artistic friend to turn it into simple set of colours, as it was originally a chalk sketch.. but, its really not that hard to count..

These people are kinda frustrating because I see them being so demanding, but at the same time, if you dont do the same they all but lynch you!!

Weight loss inspiration..

OK, so theres a program on my tv about Renee Williams who weighed 841 lbs

Shes on the tv program about how its not because she ate too much, yet at the same time her children point out she'd buy 8 big macs.. and eat them..

The sad reality is (as an overweight person, but not in the same league as Renee) that we kid ourselves we arent eating badly, that it must be "something else" .. however, the sad fact of the reality for Renee was

a) the gastric bypass then she lost 67 lbs in 12 days.. Hmm so funny now you cant eat the weight starts shedding.
b) the shock was too much for her and it sadly cost her, her life.

Now, I have a BMI of somewhere around 31-32 which is fat. However, I know its because I eat more than I do.

This year, I vow to do more, so even if at the end of the year, I still eat more than I do.. I will be eating less or doing more..

Welcome to 2008!

2008 has arrived, at least around here by being blown up with small firework like bombs.

The boring person looks out my window this morning at the grey miserable looking weather and cant help but think, its only another day..

Well today my doggie goes swimming, he loves that, but he was limping last night so I need to check him this morning.. sigh..

Heres to hoping 2008 goes well.

Time flies..

They always say, "Time flies when you're having fun" .. well I guess I must be having the time of my life :P

I have been on vacation since 18th Dec.. its now 29th, thats 11 days.. it seems like 11 minutes!!!

And christmas cheer disapears with a pop!

After karate on monday I went home and somehow had a fear in my stomache. Tuesday was to be the last senior lesson, my supposed grading day, and I just knew deep in my heart it wasnt going to happen..

To condense the story to a short blog paragraph, Ive been promised each month of oct, nov and dec that I would grade by the end of the month... he (the trainer for senior class)"forgot" for the first two, and in part I cant help but think he forgot this month too, but decided that he would say things that contradicted the last 3 months of what he'd said, and well, my expectation (as it wasnt a hope it was promised) of a green belt for christmas, has not come. More to the point, as a result of his actions I dont believe I can grade again in this region, because he is the guy who makes those decisions and I cannot bring myself - certainly for now - to respect anyone who lies to my face and calls me a liar while doing it.

This also makes me sad as I have tried my little guts out this year, and this 1 person has spoilt all the effort Ive put in, because I believed him when he was telling me I was a blue belt level, and to be told that Im not even green, despite no corrections, and yet somehow over 3 weeks off I'll suddenly be green belt level just makes no sense.

This will play on my mind a lot - I dont normally dwell on things like this, but 6 months worth of effort feels like it was down the pan, and that doesnt sit too well right now.

The christmas break

Fortunately for me, my christmas vacation starts early this year, in fact it started this morning.

Unfortunately with all thats going on at work somehow having a long vacation doesnt seem like the right thing to do, but at the same time we had to take all the time off or lose it.. so.. It had to be done. I just fear the monumental mess that will wait for me for when I return.

Im sure my name will be muck for something..

anyway, today Charlie went for a swim again, hes doing so well, being off next week hes going to be a lucky fluff and I'll pay the 37 pounds for him to swim twice! He thoroughly loves it, and it has to be said you almost want to take him every day because its such good exercise, but also, at the same time at 18.50 a go, theres no way I could afford that. It also seems that winter and wet dogs is probably not such a hot mix, so, going too much he'd probably get a chill.

Ever noticed how much you hate the huge number of Ads around christmas? Here in the UK the ads seem to be either.. purfume, dolls in the shape of babys who do one of the more of puke, cry, move, wet themselves, poop themsevles or have "owwies" that you can make better.. But then the one time you see an ad you actually might want to take a further look into by the time you thought you'd actually not mind seeing it again to find out who made it or something.. do you ever see it again??? no.

sigh..

It really feels like christmas is just round the corner.

Been a while...

Its been a while huh...

Well what have I been up to? Not a lot, why? well Im overdue for my green belt by a substantial amount, I had done sufficient to qualify 3 months back now, and arguably could have had it then, but no, the regional manager wont let me grade so now Im 3 months behind others I train with and Im reassured its not because Im not good enough, which is just spit in my eye really. Oh, and the guy holding me back said he would grade me end of this month, well thats like next week, so, does 2 whole weeks *really* make that much of a difference? I doubt it.

Ive crochetted loads - I finished the blanket for my friends wife, see below (the copyright liz is deliberate)

Im now working on a new blanket for an equally german friend its pattern looks like this:

I started at the bottom of the picture, and Ive just started his head, so, Im just about half way.

Ive had a lot of headaches over the last month, partly stress, hence Ive been a bit quiet, headaches leave me very drained, that and its winter, and Im never enthusiastic over winter..

Charlie has been having swimming lessons - hes doing really well. Its great to see him have so much fun and have totally weighless exercise which is so good for him. The bone crunching lady has let him off crunches till the new year, the vets pleased enough Charlie can have odd little short walks on the lead again, and the swimming people are pleased at how well his swimming and confidence are doing.

Hes a good boy.

Theres also been some trouble brewing at work, it seems with the uncertainty of how jobs are going a few members of staff are making most of the opportunity to shine at other collegues expense, not necessarily mine I should say, but, various examples of withholding info, and trying to blame others where it could not be their mistake seems to be growing. The latter does apply to me, I had a week off, someone did something while I was off, it was wrong, a huge crap-o-gram was sent, to me I should point out from the effected people, and I apologised but apparently the person who made the mistake is mad at me.. I guess coz I hadnt stopped them? despite my absense? The mind boggles.

Well, I only have 4 more days of work this year (bar being on call), each day is hard to be got down too much now because in a few days I can rest almost till the new year, being on call shouldnt be bad as we have a prime response person who should get all the calls and only if important pass them on, this is a good thing. Otherwise there are various areas who wouldnt fake importance, but would make out the importance is far greater than it is.. eg, they cant print something, their collegue could do it, but, no no, its a life threatening priority 1 that *they* cant.. you know the kind of thing.

Well, we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

So.. it looks like winter..

IUts just turned 5pm and its blacker than a dark cellar out there.. :( and we already converted to daylight savings.. Exceedingly soon will be the go to work in the dark, come home in the dark rigmarole we hate..

It hasnt quite got to the cold wet stage, but this time of year was deffinately made for hibernation, something which we humans could learn a trick or too from, its certainly the time of year we seem to find we want to sleep every afternoon!

Yawn the weeks that fly by..

Well its the 4th November, a friends birthday, and the last year has flown by.

While I may have accomplished things, it doesnt feel enough for the time thats passed, I got my yellow and orange belts in karate, but apparetnly green is not a soon coming thing - despite being the right time frame - because Im still being judged as a sempei, rather than a student (which is all I am.. so the major depression and annoyance continues there), Ive made some nice crochet peices, peices Im really proud of, and of course, Ive learnt c#.

Things I havent made the dent in I hoped was: Getting lighter - my weight hasnt really gone down this year much at all, despite eating less, more karate.. so frustrating, no offense to being thinner and fitter but I dont want that to be all I do with my life, I want a life other than feeling amazingly hungry (like I do now) and spending it walking, cycling and karate-ing and I want time to do ME stuff, after all, I learnt c# to write apps and I learnt crochet to make things, whats the point if Im spendingn 8 hours a day walking and cycling just to burn off a couple more pounds! OK, reality I spend currently about 8 odd hours a week exercising at a sweating rate... I personally thing thats a good start and should have more effect than it is.

Christmas is rapidly heading towards us, and so a new year will follow.

My job safety is still teetering on the fence, the news earlier this week was that there would be (a wonderful phrase this) "Job Eliminations" and, given my bosses words to me were if he was asked if he wanted to keep me he would say no.. I cant help but expect to be on that list. Frustratingly, not because Im not likely to be a useful person, but because my boss has spent the last 18 months of my employment (eg since he got there) seemingly telling everyone that Im a horrible person, and keeping me out of things I am good at leaving me with stuff that, well, to be honest, is deathly dull and so not striking my imagination, and any warnings I throw to him of impending doom.. he ignores.

And, I just spotted we ran the sunday month end backups on saturday and the saturday ones on sunday.. now to you and me thats really not that bad a deal as long as they work, sadly, if a certain app goes down a company get called out (and seem to take a couple of hours to run 1 command and go "Oh yes backups are running") and charge my employer for the privilage (license to print money, no one makes them prove why they were called out...!!) so I bet I get a shooting monday.

Is this them?

My mother left our family to go off with some guy she had known a few months, she since married (we are lead to believe, especially if the last card I got from her a few years ago is to be believed..) We know they moved to the isle of wight.. Well, theres only 1 man there with the right name.


D.M Llewellyn
Tel: (01983) 873315 - Text Number
25 Paddock Dv, Bembridge, PO35 5TL - Map


Is this my step dad (wow that seems weird saying that) and my mother? She hasnt contacted me in a couple of years now, but, I cant help but wonder if this is them! Dont get me wrong, in many ways I dont want to find out, after all she is the woman who on a legal form wrote she had had no children.. so I now dont exist huh?? (no I wasnt adopted) She did so many things the wrong way, and could so have remained at least on speaking terms with her friends and family, but no, she chose to be crewl and vindictive towards every single one, including her best friend. So, I guess, she deserves to not know how things are with people she once cared for, but, at the same time, I cant help but wonder occasionally why she did it.

A ray of hope

I recently bought a new digi camera as you know. I debated long and hard, too long, too hard, bored so many people about it I think if I so much as mention cameras they kinda look for quick exits or glaze over and go into that "Yes dear" kinda nod..

So..

Here goes another bit on the camera saga..

My biggest trouble is what lenses to get for my nice Canon Rebel Xti (or EOS 400d as its called) as it takes lenses with an "EF" or "EF-S" fitting. My old film based camera, a Canon AE-1P doesnt, it takes FD fittings and so the big set of lenses I have for it are only good for the film one.. While potentially I could trade in my old lenses, then Id have none for the film camera should I want to use it..

However, hope has come! A friend knows of a canon EF-M that maybe thrown out! (See which is basically a newer version of my AE-1P but with the added advantages of the same lenses as the digi camera, resulting in meaning I could trade my lenses in *AND* still have a film based camera!!!

Heres to hoping (I would still have to be brave to trade those lenses in!)

How low can you go?

I went through a fairly severe depression around a year ago, now I feel like Im heading there again.

Reasons to be miserable:

1. The company I work for was bought out, they havent as yet decided who or how many they are keeping. Uncertainty has never helped anyone, you like to have money coming in at a reasonable rate. How is a new company going to honestly decide if Im able to be a future employee if a) they dont really know what I do now, b) dont know what I want to do, and c) (more to the point) have no idea what Im capable of, as no one has my CV!! (HR dont have one, due to the way I was taken on board - apparently)

2. One rule for one, one rule for everyone else.. This has always made me frustrated and angry and miserable, and well pretty much any instance of it can bug me, but the bigger it is, the harder it hits me. More recently like back in May and June when I didnt get my new karate belt and finding out in the beginning of August it was because the guy in charge had believed something that was never true, and didnt think to ask, now means its circling round again, now, once more, a bunch of people who *did* get to do their belt in May/June are now looking at their next one, and Im not because he was holding me back because of this misunderstanding, now I have to wait at least 2 more months before I can get mine, although its quite clear Im certainly as good (if not better than at least 1) as they are.. So, bascially this means its all screwed from here on out, I will now always be at least 2 months behind. This is making me very miserable, to the point if I hadnt prepaid for a year, Id have quit in the last few weeks.

3. Its appraisal time, last years was never signed due to I feel a lie stuck right in the middle of it, I have no job spec to be compared against, and it will be done by someone who says they dont want me there..

So, Im sorry Ive been quiet, but this has been growing slowly inside and I guess it was time to share it.

Iko Iko!!

OK, back in the 80s there was a film satisfaction starring Julia Roberts, IMHO, it was one of her better films, but it was still a pretty bad film.. However, from the first time I saw it till this very day, the verison of iko iko on it has stuck in my head.. It was apparently done by Justine Bateman, I just wish I could find a copy..