The weigh in..

Im sure Ive mentioned Charlies need to lose weight, well.. today, at the weigh in he was a grand 33.15kg, to be honest.. if he doesnt lose another gram I wouldnt be disapointed.. Im sure he will be glad to see a tad more food each day now.

Awsome!

This is AWSOME. Normally I hate any classical stuff thats been "tweaked" but this, this is cool.

OMG the most tragic news.. like.. ever!!!

The spice girls announced today they have reformed..

Heaven help the world

Ever thought your brain was a whole new person?

Brains are annoying.. We've all got up to go get something, got there and cant remember what it was we came for, or, the remembering each evening before bed to do something tomorrow but tomorrow comes and the only time you remember it is just before you go to bed..

My brain seems to have something that annoys me..

Like many people, I suffer from self doubt, it comes in many levels, I hope for most people it comes at a time of stress, where as mine seems almost constant. Anything I've done, must be wrong, anything I do that I put value on, my brain is there nagging me that its crap or I'm making a mess of it, anything that I'm going to do, I fear I will forget, or it will go wrong..

In short, my brain is there telling me I'm a failure, I will always be a failure.

Even when half of me is proud of something, the other half is there telling me its crap, people will laugh, that its not something to be proud of, any moron could do it.

With all this going on in my head, I don't need people to tell me I'm crap, I'm doing that already, so, if I am told I'm crap at something it seems to hit me hard, not because I didn't expect it or believe it, but, worse, because its what I feared was true.

On the flip side, when I'm told I did something good, I don't tend to believe people, I'm embarrassed by it too..

This inner turmoil stops me doing many things, it interferes a lot with interviews, for while Im sure I could do the job, I cant prove to these people Im any better than anyone else, because inside, I'm not.. This inner issue also seems to stop me believing in people, and as I don't seem confident or I guess real to them, they don't seem to believe in me.

This leaves me feeling very left out, very miserable and very frustrated. Made worse then by all the rubbish TV programs where everyone who works together or knows each other seem to hug, and kiss and be overly (scaryingly) friendly, I am fairly observant, so its frustrating then to see/hear people at work having got together over the weekend, it seems all but me were invited. The problem is, the more I see/hear this the less I trust them, and I guess the less they trust me..

Sometimes I wish life were more like tv, where Id be better looking, and even if I were broke and jobless Id still have a nice car, a house and clothes and the like.

Smallville marathon!

Im sure like me you find yourself watching some tv programs even though you cant necessarily put your finger on why you like them. So far, the main ones for me have been Charmed, followed by Smallville. Well, with season 4 and 5 to hand, so far, Ive spent friday evening and all of today, and I do mean *all* .. watching smallville.. well, Im gonna run at soon, I only have 5 more episodes to watch!

Crochet update!

Its been a while.. so. the above is a corner of a baby blanket Im making for my friend Adam, aparently the babys due date is rescheduled till the 22nd June, but, Im still unlikely to make it as its maybe < 1/3 the size so far..

More karate

Today was a karate seminar, on kata - being routines you must learn to get your belts which are a semi dramatisation of a scripted fight, but you do it alone.

If you take a look here you can see a number of kata's, as an adult you need Taigyoku Shodan for the yellow belt, Taigyoku Nidan for your orange.. Ive been lucky, I also have learnt Saifa Im not hugely great at it, but, as I still have a yellow belt, I guess there is a lot of time to improve it. Today, I stretched that further with Bassai Dai its a long kata, but the training method used which is you do move 1, reset to start, move 1 and move 2, reset to start, etc is a good way to leave you remembering it at least for a day or so :)

Last tuesday Sensei for a laugh to demonstrate the power of this teaching method taught us all Sanseru which, Im kinda impressed I can remember most of, but that one is very much years away from me needing it. Technically I know enough katas now to take me through to red belt, you can see how that works out on the Grading syllabus

So, after reading that you can maybe understand my post Jaded even more, todays training was 3 hours, it was humid and Im ready for bed.

Good night.

Crochet update!

Well, I finished the blanket for my friends Pete and Sue and have started on the first of 3 baby blankets Ive promised to make. First is for my friend Adam and his wife Vicky, who I made friends with recently and well, Vicky was due to pop err, 5 days ago :P so I better get going! Next up will be a nice lady called Alex at work, followed by a good friend Adrian and his wife Jo (going in order of expetance)

Please do check out my work and comment.. Im beginning to feel like I only ever talk to myself!

Jaded

I lack a fair bit of self confidence, so, when a guy came to my door asking if I wanted to learn Karate I thought this might be good for me, gets me out, gets me fitter, and gives me a little more confidence I hope in maybe some situations where I perhaps may feel cautious or threatened..

Anyway, time moves on.

Ive been going now for about 7 months. Im beginning to get the hang of the simpler stuff, in terms of goal posts as go, much like most martial arts theres a coloured belt grading system, everyone starts off as white, then white with a yellow tag, then yellow, then yellow with an orange tag (which is where I am now).. so Id like to feel Im not doing too badly.

However, this weekend is grading weekend. Enough people who stand around me who put little effort in are going for their orange belts, and its been said, that if you get put forward its unlikely you would fail. Now.. firstly you must note, Ive not been put forward..

Why?

Well I got invited to go to a different class to most and those who attend this other class dont get to grade like the rest..

Thats ok, I dont mind..

Except, today I do.

Today there was a grading in this class, I didnt get my orange belt, yet those around me who I know are not as good as I (please please! note, this does not mean Im any good, but, I am and it has been mentioned a few times, much better than those in the normal classes I goto as a rule, and therefore, this just makes them crapper, rather than me better... ok?) and yet, they will be getting their orange belts, and so will be deemed better than me.

Im just really demoralised. Ive trained really hard, including practicing in my kitchen, garden, at work... and yet people who are currently commented as worse than me.. are going to be deemed better in me in the eyes of well pretty much anyone.. It would be like saying in a team game the better team didnt win.. if they were better they should have won.. so either Im seriously crap, or, they shouldnt win..

Its really bugging me

I really regret the fact Im going to this other class right now, as Im the most inexperienced person there and it feels like Im expected to be at the same level as these others who have trained for years, to get something most people get in 6-8 months. As it is, Im trying to do things probably a year down the line for those in the normal classes and I admit, sometimes not that successfully.

Its frustrating because I didnt start karate to be "best" at it, but, my biggest problem in life is that the rules always seem different for me, and here it is, slapped in my face, I have to be so much different to everyone else to get the same. At work everyone seems to get away with so much, yet I get shouted at for not covering up for them, when its their job and they dont get shouted at for not doing it..

Today really makes me feel completely crap.

June is here!

Wow, its the 1st June already...

Seems the house next door is having a party.. its like a set of drummers moved in, the musics not that loud, but all Ive heard for about 6 hours is.. drums.. Id yell, but my tonsils are sore again :(

Ive been quiet the last few weeks, sorry.. few replies make me realise Im mainly talking to myself..