Jaded

I lack a fair bit of self confidence, so, when a guy came to my door asking if I wanted to learn Karate I thought this might be good for me, gets me out, gets me fitter, and gives me a little more confidence I hope in maybe some situations where I perhaps may feel cautious or threatened..

Anyway, time moves on.

Ive been going now for about 7 months. Im beginning to get the hang of the simpler stuff, in terms of goal posts as go, much like most martial arts theres a coloured belt grading system, everyone starts off as white, then white with a yellow tag, then yellow, then yellow with an orange tag (which is where I am now).. so Id like to feel Im not doing too badly.

However, this weekend is grading weekend. Enough people who stand around me who put little effort in are going for their orange belts, and its been said, that if you get put forward its unlikely you would fail. Now.. firstly you must note, Ive not been put forward..

Why?

Well I got invited to go to a different class to most and those who attend this other class dont get to grade like the rest..

Thats ok, I dont mind..

Except, today I do.

Today there was a grading in this class, I didnt get my orange belt, yet those around me who I know are not as good as I (please please! note, this does not mean Im any good, but, I am and it has been mentioned a few times, much better than those in the normal classes I goto as a rule, and therefore, this just makes them crapper, rather than me better... ok?) and yet, they will be getting their orange belts, and so will be deemed better than me.

Im just really demoralised. Ive trained really hard, including practicing in my kitchen, garden, at work... and yet people who are currently commented as worse than me.. are going to be deemed better in me in the eyes of well pretty much anyone.. It would be like saying in a team game the better team didnt win.. if they were better they should have won.. so either Im seriously crap, or, they shouldnt win..

Its really bugging me

I really regret the fact Im going to this other class right now, as Im the most inexperienced person there and it feels like Im expected to be at the same level as these others who have trained for years, to get something most people get in 6-8 months. As it is, Im trying to do things probably a year down the line for those in the normal classes and I admit, sometimes not that successfully.

Its frustrating because I didnt start karate to be "best" at it, but, my biggest problem in life is that the rules always seem different for me, and here it is, slapped in my face, I have to be so much different to everyone else to get the same. At work everyone seems to get away with so much, yet I get shouted at for not covering up for them, when its their job and they dont get shouted at for not doing it..

Today really makes me feel completely crap.