Ever thought your brain was a whole new person?

Brains are annoying.. We've all got up to go get something, got there and cant remember what it was we came for, or, the remembering each evening before bed to do something tomorrow but tomorrow comes and the only time you remember it is just before you go to bed..

My brain seems to have something that annoys me..

Like many people, I suffer from self doubt, it comes in many levels, I hope for most people it comes at a time of stress, where as mine seems almost constant. Anything I've done, must be wrong, anything I do that I put value on, my brain is there nagging me that its crap or I'm making a mess of it, anything that I'm going to do, I fear I will forget, or it will go wrong..

In short, my brain is there telling me I'm a failure, I will always be a failure.

Even when half of me is proud of something, the other half is there telling me its crap, people will laugh, that its not something to be proud of, any moron could do it.

With all this going on in my head, I don't need people to tell me I'm crap, I'm doing that already, so, if I am told I'm crap at something it seems to hit me hard, not because I didn't expect it or believe it, but, worse, because its what I feared was true.

On the flip side, when I'm told I did something good, I don't tend to believe people, I'm embarrassed by it too..

This inner turmoil stops me doing many things, it interferes a lot with interviews, for while Im sure I could do the job, I cant prove to these people Im any better than anyone else, because inside, I'm not.. This inner issue also seems to stop me believing in people, and as I don't seem confident or I guess real to them, they don't seem to believe in me.

This leaves me feeling very left out, very miserable and very frustrated. Made worse then by all the rubbish TV programs where everyone who works together or knows each other seem to hug, and kiss and be overly (scaryingly) friendly, I am fairly observant, so its frustrating then to see/hear people at work having got together over the weekend, it seems all but me were invited. The problem is, the more I see/hear this the less I trust them, and I guess the less they trust me..

Sometimes I wish life were more like tv, where Id be better looking, and even if I were broke and jobless Id still have a nice car, a house and clothes and the like.