My mother

A number of people who know me already know my mother walked out on the family in a less than gracefull manner. They also know as a result of this Im glad she is said to live far from me, as theres no chance I run into her..

Problem is, there have been times when Ive felt that I miss the person who should be there. This was especially true when I got married, lots of things mothers would be therefore, of course, she wasnt, heck she wasnt there for me when I was ill, why would she care for me being married? However, there have been odd moments when Ive felt sad at her loss from our family. One was a film where the kid wouldnt ever see his mother again.. and it dawned on me I wouldnt be seeing mine.. Tonight is another.

Im sitting here with my crochet blanket growing quite nicely, but I looked at it and it dawned on me how she would be so happy at how well I was doing, parents are good at that, my Dad still is, but they are (probably out of habbit Im sure) proud of things you do, they keep the terrible things you make that 2 days further on you cant even remember what it was its so deformed.. because you made it.

I dont know what bothers me, the fact shes not around, or the fact shes still in my head.

I had days when I feel very alone, days when 2 dogs, a husband, people at work, my friends, just all seem too far away somehow. I feel very distant from all the things I want to be near, even the hugs seem empty somehow.

I guess not aided by many of the people Id consider good friends, Ive never met. I love them dearly, Id do everything I could to make them happy, and them me, but, nothing beats that feeling of being hugged and it making you feel secure and warm and loved right to the middle